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| wow an update...so yeah things are totally different now. I still go
over to my grandpa's for dinner once a week, and its so wierd without
grandma there. I guess eventually they want us to all go through her
htings and pick things out that we would like. I don't think i'm quite
ready for that. It all still seems so much like a dream, like i'll wake
up eventually and there she will be, alive and well. But everytime i
call, she's never there to answer the phone. I know this feeling will
go away eventually, its just the shock really hasn't gone away.
This whole thing has helped me to deal with stuff though, I started
talking to a couselor at school. My previous therapist said I suffered
from PTSD, which i still seem to suffer from, I just handle it beter
now I guess. Its strange how you think you haven't changed at all, then
you find out a lot has changed and you just never knew.
I found out I have a Type A personality....which kinda freaks me out,
yet explains a lot. She told me that its something you can try to
change, although there isn't any proof of attempts to change that have
been successful. I find myself constantly trying to avoid certain
behvaiors....like my road rage...but a lot of times i just give in and
it over powers me heh. Its just strange to be able to just say that
this is why i am the way i am.
I talked to my mom in person about all the reasons things aren't
working for our family. It was hard but it was nice, she didn't react
the way i thought at all, and that was a plus. But then after my
grandma died i found out that my mom had told my dad not to call me
when they got divorced. I guess it was written in letters that my aunt
decided to keep for some strange reason. I confronted my mom about it,
she said it was a lie....I haven't read the letters, and I don't think
i'm stable enought o read them if i did decide to do that right now,
i'm not sure if i want to though. I love my mom, but i want to know the
truth, but i don't want to mess things up more. Once i know the truth
there's no going back, and it will forever change how i feel about her
or my aunt.
This whole thing has been very reassuring as to who i can lean on and
who i should just X out of my life. Its funny how certaint hings bring
out the true colors in others. Friends who you think are freinds, realy
arent', and those you never thought were that good of friends, are the
best you could ever have. doesn't always happen that way. But sometimes
it does.
I have come to question the meaning of love a lot.....true love should
be neverending, no matter what happens, and through recent events, i am
certain that some people don't rally understand or have a sound meaning
of love. I can't sayt hat those who have said they love me, truely mean
what they have said. But I have figured out what it feels to love, and
i love the feeling, i'm just not sure i can replicate it for someone
who i would someday call a husband. It took 15 years for me to feel the
kind of love i do for my best friend, and i wouldn't give it up for
anything. but that's 15 years of trust and friendship, i couldn't
expect anyone i love to wait that long for me to figure out how i feel
about them and to open myself up to that kind of love.
I guess where my life is heading now is in the direction of openness. I
have opened myself up to my family and trusted them more, i feel that
is such a huge accomplishment its crazy. I'm actually happy with where
my life seems to be heading now. I may not know what i want to be in
life, but I know what kind of person i want to be. My heart wants to
travel, and i feel that i will never be happy until i do so. So i have
decided to finish school and do what I have felt so strongly about
doing. I have let go of some of my past, and it feels like such a
weight off my shoulders. I just have to stop worrying about my future
so much and start thinking about now. What good is a future that i
spent so hard to get to, but didn't enjoy the time it took to get
there?
It will be hard to slow down and take life one day at a time, but my
goal is not to try and get things over with as soon as possible. I have
options and i don't have to prove anything to anyone, if i want to join
the military, i can, if i want to quit school, i can. its not the end
of the world if i don't graduate next year, no one will be ashamed,
because this is my life, and i shouldn't waste it on trying to prove
myself to the world.
Oh and the Salsa Challenge is this saturday at Scottsdale Stadium
should be fun, but usually anything with my family is fun....well with
some few exceptions heh.
life is good
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| Life is strangely unique
you cannot rewind it,
you cannot undo it
nothing can be taken back
nothing erased.
It remains there forever,
never faltering,
never fading.
Yet the memory of life
fades as quickly
as salt dissolves into water
it is the part of life
that is erasable and forgetable.
Yet the memory of everyone
I have ever loved remains
imprinted in my brain
never fading
never faltering
they remain there forever
unable to erase
and never to be taken back.
i cannot undo what i have done,
i cannot rewind and start again
love is strangely unique.
there i updated lol not much to update tho........first walk through is this friday...the house should be all done....last walk through is march 4th....then it should be all mine...but it probably won't knowing my luck....oh well heh | | |
| since i was told to update, here's my update heh
my grandma is doing better, she's at home and has to go to the hospital
once a day and they have a nurse come to the apartment monday through
friday. I moved in a couple weeks ago until my house is done, i help
get the groceries and junk cause my grandpa isn't feeling well and he
doesn't like leaving the apartment anyway.
i haven't written my letter, I'm too big of a chicken. I talked
to my mom yesterday but couldn't bring myself to say anything...I may
just write her and no one else...she has a good way of letting everyone
know everything anyway. I have a lot i want to say, i just have so much
stuff to do, its so hard to make time. argh....its really becoming a
chore to juggle friends, family, school, and work. As soon as i get
caught up on school work i'm sure it will be easier...or i hope it will
heh....
My house will be done in March...they're putting in the pool now and
finishing up the interior. I have a walk through on the 25th of this
month and then closing is the 4th of march...w00t...
I think my wisdom teeth are coming in...chewing stuff hurts my jaw and
i can't open my mouth very wide..argh it sucks.....oh well...such is
life
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| So my Grandma has been in the hospital since Sunday.....and i've been
on an emotional rollercoaster. It just showed me how much my grandma
really does mean to me....and it scares me, i don't like getting this
close to people, it just hurts that much more when they're gone. I'm
not ready to lose my grandma, and i almost did on sunday. I wish i
could express to her how much i love her, but its so hard. i just
wanted to cry when i saw her, and being in that hospital made me want
to cry before i even saw her. Its the first time i've been there since
my dad died, and it was just filled with so many bad memories. But my
grandma is going to be ok, and that's all that matters right now.
Anyway...school started tuesday...and i am avoiding my english homework
heh its due by midnight and i just don't wanna do it....but i guess i
will....blah heh
| | |
| Well...last night was fun....Me, Krissy, and CLayton went to Sugar
Daddys to drink and dance...we had a couple shots...the last one made
Krissy sick cause it was just pure hard alcohol...i was just super
buzzed...but it was a lot of fun and it was my first time going to a
place where there's dancing and stuff...good times  It got my mind
off of everything and i haven't had a good time like that in a
while...so even though i had to watch Krissy throw up, it was still a
great night heh and now i'm just going to be lazy for the day...not
having school has been driving me crazy...but this weekend was fun and
i didn't go insane from lack of stuff to do heh
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